Voice is difficult to pin down. You know it when you see it (like porn.) In thinking about it, I remembered that I have two scenes of somebody watching somebody seducing somebody else. So I thought I'd compare voices.
No context, yeah, but what's going on doesn't matter right now. I'm looking at word choices and sentence structures.
I was given the smallest of the guest rooms as my own and the men shared the others. My boots had hardly been off in two days, and when I sat on the mattress and unlaced them it took some two-handed wiggling to get them loose and then some peeling for the wool socks. The floor was chilly under bare feet, but no worse than my dormitory room at the Order. The baron's daughter had said she’d return with a hot water bladder for my bed.
My toes drying, I got up to shut my door. Glancing down the hall — I was at the end — I saw her, lamp in hand, leaning against the wall opposite Sir Anders. They spoke too quietly to hear, but she laughed at something he said and played at sassing back with one fist on her generous hip. That made him laugh in return.
Sir Anders shifted to put his hand to the wall beside her and lean on it. She turned her nose away, haughty, but spoiled the effect with a smile. He caught her chin with two fingers and turned her back for a kiss.
I felt a blush rise on my face. I pushed the door shut but couldn’t help lingering with one eye at the shrinking crack.
The baron's daughter stepped around him and he turned, leaned against the wall where she’d been. She took a few steps, looked back, and then kept walking. After a moment, Sir Anders followed.
I never did get that hot water bladder.
Maggie, leaning past Neal to watch, saw Shen’s dark eyes sharpen on Glenna. His casual hug turned into a tighter grip. The corner of a grin slipped around her face as they hovered, noses almost touching, eyes locked. Maggie’s pulse shuddered in her chest, turning cold. Shen’s hand on Glenna’s back, long fingers splayed, caught on the edge of her corset as his grip tightened.
And Shen kissed her sister.
Glenna raked her fingers into [his] dark green hair and his hand was sliding down toward her butt. A bit of a twist and she was slithering onto his lap, wedged against the lip of the bar.
A squeeze bottle broke Maggie’s line of sight and she blinked. Neal flipped the nozzle open and hesitated, noticing her. He was blurring fast as her eyes filled up. And behind him, where the vague glimpses of green and…
“Psst!” Jezebel snapped and pointed toward the open door at the end of the bar. “Get a room!”
Maggie blinked and tears clung to her lashes. Got a glimpse of Glenna the moment Shen pinned her up against the door sill, her arms inside his unzipped jumpsuit. Maggie squeezed her eyes shut. Her sister’s giggles faded down the hallway past the door.
“Hey, hey.” Neal’s arm wrapped around her, put her face to his shoulder. “Don’t cry.”
In the interests of keeping this short, just looking at the verbs illustrates pretty well how much softer and slower my fantasy voice is.
was given shared had been sat unlaced took wiggling peeling was had said drying got glancing was saw leaning spoke laughed said played made felt rise pushed couldn't lingering shrinking stepped turned leaned 'd been took looked kept followed get
leaning watch saw sharpen turned slipped hovered shuddered turning caught tightened kissed raked was sliding slithering broke blinked flipped hesitated blurring filled snapped pointed blinked clung got pinned squeezed faded wrapped put cry
Why wasn't kiss a verb in the fantasy seduction? was the first thing I saw when I made those lists. What do you see?
Want to read more? My writing samples: Fantasy, Science fiction.