My first blogfest, whee! I'm looking forward to reading and critting as many Twitter pitches as I can. Almost seventy people signed up, as of the 31st...
I came up with two tweets, so please vote for the one you like. Or tell me why neither one works for you.
#1
Lena's a hacker, not a courier or a thug. Thief who just stole her boss’s secret probably is. She thinks this job can’t get any worse.
#2
Boss wants a package couriered across Jupiter system, you do it. Right? Even though the chuck who brought it in is flat in the hospital now?
Confusing? Been there, done that? Meh? Be honest... and thank you :)
REVISED!
#3
Lena's a hacker, not a courier or a thug. But the boss's package has to get across the Jupiter system and she's the last agent left on tap.
Bang on 140 on the first try. Creepy...
Thank you to everyone who's commented! I'm chugging through the list, starting in the middle, so I hope I can return the favor to everyone.
23 comments:
I like Number 2 better because it implies a lot of danger, but the prose seems to need a little tweaking. 140 characters is not much though! I posted mine as well.
I agree with Libby. What about something like "Lena's boss wants her to take a package across space, but she's a hacker not a courier..." and then something about the guy who is in the hospital? Maybe you could indicate that there is a lot of danger without talking about the guy in the hospital. I feel like that guy may not be a major part of the story (but I could obviously be wrong).
I love the first sentence from #1, and I love the overall voice of #2. Overall #2 is my favorite, but I'd love to see a mention of what the consequences are if she doesn't deliver the package.
Best of luck to you!
#2 has more voice and it's clearer. However, I'd remove the second question mark and just make that a statement.
They were both a little hard on the outloud read. What I like about the first one is we identify the MC; what I like about the second is that we see a conflict. But I'm not sure either of them really give us stakes that would drive a major conflict throughout the book. Perhaps if we knew about the package? It being her boss' secret kinda makes it less personal...
I think tweaking the second is probably the best place to start. Maybe add Lena's intro and smooth out the part where you let us know this mission has gone wrong before.
Best of luck!
Hey, thanks for the comment (and, uhm, also the reminder to post my own pitch...)!
I definitely prefer 1, though it could use some clarification. It still lets your voice shine through (which is 2's strength), but gives us a better sense of where the story is going.
I agree with Bethany. The words didn't seem to flow when read aloud.
What about something like this...
When Lena's boss wants a package carted across the Jupiter system, she can't say no. [Continue with stakes from here]
So, character is Lena.
She needs to deliver a package?
Something about a stolen secret.
There is danger.
But it's not all coming together for me yet.
Good luck.
Just a little rough to read through. But I like the elements in it, stolen package, danger, etc.
When Lena, a hacker, needs to deliver a package without ending up like the last guy did....
Lena's Boss has a secret that just got out, which is dangerous for Lena's next delivery assignement...
I know there's a very tight character count involved, but the stakes need to be clearer. Keep working -you'll get it. The bits that are here sound intruiging. All the best.
It took a couple of reads before I understood what you were going for, and I like #2 better. But it seems to be missing Lena's character, which really shines in #1, so I suggest a combination: the first sentence from #1, and then the explanation of the stakes from #2. It might take some tweaking, but that's my best advice.
Thanks for your helpful comment on my post!
I love, love, love #3! I'd read it!
Love #3
It solidifies everything that was missing in the first. Nice job.
#3 sounds great! Good luck in the contest!
The third is much better, but I don't see how delivering a package has anything to do with hacking or stealing. If you could explain that somehow, it would be much better.
I vote number 3. I liked number 1, but it was missing something- maybe just a single word. Number three is good though.
#3 hooked me. Great job! Good luck with the contest! Shelley
Number 3! Wow, what a difference a little tweaking can make.
Lena's a hacker, not a courier or a thug. But the boss's package has to get across the Jupiter system and she's the last agent left on tap.
Great pitch! But I don't think you should mention "a thug" since it's not specified that that's the kind of people she works for (is it?). Also, "on tap" might not work since it's current slang and I have to assume this is set in the future. Be sure to remember to use the voice you wrote the novel in to give us a taste of what it's like, because this sounds really interesting!
I like the 3rd version the best, but trip on the thug part because it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of it. Not a courier - but she has to take the package - great, definitely see the tie in, but in this version there is no connection to the thug, so suggest either dropping it or (doing the impossible) packing the element that ties the thug into the pitch.
Love #3, but I also agree with LK that the thug bit is a bit confusing.
#3 is a winner.
I loved #2 but I agree that you could use elements of both #2 and #3 and really nail it. Good luck :)
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